Orgasming just fine on your own, but finding it hard when you’re not alone? Pick ‘n’ mix

Alix Fox’s tips to maximise your chances of climaxing with your partner.

Learning the types of touch that turn you on, heat you up and get you off by masturbating and experimenting solo is a crucial part of getting to know your sexual self. Discovering what works for you by exploring alone lays a great foundation for building brilliant sex with a partner.

However, it’s not uncommon for women to find that even if they’re able to make themselves climax when there’s no-one else around, when they’re with a lover, orgasms just don’t seem to happen. Their O goes AWOL!

Both physical and psychological influences can be to blame: you might not be getting the style or degree of stimulation you need, or you may not truly feel relaxed enough to let go.

Durex Intense Orgasmic Gel can give orgasms a hand by heightening the sensations of intimate areas during intercourse. But no product can be a perfect fit or a complete fix for everyone, especially if emotional elements are affecting why your climax gets shy.

So, here are some other suggestions to help sex feel awesome as part of a twosome, and make that elusive climax more likely to make an appearance – even when it has an audience.


Masturbate in front of your partner, so they can learn precisely where and how you prefer to be stimulated from the ultimate expert - you! As well as being an educational exercise, this can be deeply erotic. Command your lover to sit on a chair facing the bed, then tell them that you’re going to put on a show – and you demand their close attention. If dirty talk turns you both on, get them to describe each move you make: the spot you’re touching, the speed you’re going, whether you’re moving your fingers in circles or stroking up and down. In addition to sounding seriously sexy, vocalising what they’re viewing will help them commit it to memory, so they can put their lesson into action later.


If playing with yourself while your lover watches makes you feel nervous or timid, you could ask them to gaze at you through a half-open door instead. This helps some women feel like they’re the only person in the room, so it’s easier to shrug off their inhibitions, and many men find the voyeurism of ‘spying’ on their partner’s ‘private moment’ hugely hot. Alternatively, have him sit behind you – so you can’t see him watching

– and place his hands over yours, so he can feel exactly how you massage and caress yourself.


Do you lay on your stomach during ‘downstairs DIY’? Perhaps you squeeze your legs close together? Try having sex in positions that place your body in a similar arrangement to whatever makes you come when you’re going solo, to replicate the effect.


Purchasing a vibrator or dildo roughly the same size and shape as your partner’s penis to use alone can help you discover the angles of entry and rhythms of thrust that might work best when you’re together.


 In an ideal world, all of us would feel proud, unashamed and at peace within our own skins. That kind of body positivity is definitely a terrific thing to aim for. But in the meantime, there are ways to work with any hang-ups you have while you work on how you feel about them; tricks to help you feel liberated and confident enough to enjoy fabulous sex straight away… which can in turn help you to feel more fabulous about yourself overall.

If you’re conscious of how you look during sex, an eye mask can be a magical tool. Pop it on your partner so you don’t feel you’re being stared at (shutting off their sight will elevate their other senses and add excitement for them too). Or slip it on yourself: it can help you focus in on how every touch and movement actually feels, rather than getting distracted by how you look. Additionally, soft candlelight can be reassuringly flattering as well as romantic; choose scented candles to further enhance the ambiance.


 The Coital Alignment Technique (‘CAT’ for short) is a sex position designed to maximise clitoral stimulation during intercourse. It’s a lot like basic missionary, except once on top, the man slides up about six inches further up the woman’s body than usual, so the shaft or root of his penis is pulled hard against her clitoris. She can either wrap her legs around him or keep them together. Quick thrusting is difficult in this pose, but rocking gently together can make her orgasm with mind-blowing results.


Peeing after sex helps to prevent UTIs, by flushing out any bacteria that have been forced into the urethra during intercourse. But peeing before sex is a good idea too. Some women feel like they’re about to wee moments before they have an orgasm, so they hold back, fearful of wetting themselves in front of a lover. If you know your bladder’s empty, you’ll worry less, and can let the sensation develop to climax.


 Soundtracking sex with music doesn’t only create a sultry atmosphere. It also covers noises such as the bed creaking – which can be a climax-killing concern if you’re worried about disturbing family or flatmates, or just find this distracting. Plus, let’s be frank: some pretty farty, squelchy sounds can happen during sex! While these are a natural result of air being forced into the vagina by the penis – and then escaping out again – and it’s best to laugh them off or ignore them, they embarrass some people to the point of ruining the mood and obliterating their orgasms. Music can help cover them, and getting your guy to circle his hips in slow, smooth, grinding motions rather than fast pumping makes 'queefs' less likely. Real talk!

Alix Fox

Alix Fox is a multi award-winning journalist, broadcaster and sex educator. She fervently believes in open, honest conversation about sex, and thinks everyone should have access to dependable information to help them become their most liberated, healthy, happy sexual selves.